


Weight Wars

by Cheree_Cargill



Category: Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Comedy, F/M, Weight Gain, dieting, exercise, marital discord
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-23
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2020-09-24 21:08:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20365102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cheree_Cargill/pseuds/Cheree_Cargill
Summary: Leia has gained weight as she's been stuck at a desk job on the latest Rebel base.  Han has put on a pound or two as well and the princess decides both of them are going on a diet.  Will either of them be successful?





	Weight Wars

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: The Star Wars characters are the property of 20th Century Fox, Disney, and any other legal copyright owner. The story is the creation and property of Cheree Cargill and is copyright (c) 1995 by Cheree Cargill. Originally published in "I Don't Care What You Smell #1", 1995, edited by Judith Yuenger and Marti Schuller.

Leia struggled with the belt, sucked her stomach in and tugged again, but the ends resolutely refused to meet.

Lying comfortably ensconced on the bed, Han chuckled. "Give it up, sweetheart. It's too little."

"It's not -- ugh -- too little!" With a supreme effort, she got the buckle into the clasp and turned to display her triumph to Han. It was short-lived, however, for as soon as she let out her pent breath, the buckle gave a tortured sound and snapped.

Solo threw his head back and guffawed, ignoring Leia's growing fury. At last, he got himself under control and looked back at his scowling wife. "Face it, honeybuns, you're just getting a little broad in the beam from that desk job you've got now."

"I am not!" Leia stopped just short of stamping her foot. "I've only gained a couple of pounds!"

Han lifted an eyebrow and turned his gaze toward her bottom. "Better look behind you, buttercup. I think I found them. And a few more besides."

Reflexively, she reached behind her to lay a hand on her buttocks. "Well, maybe I have ... But you're not exactly a beanpole yourself, you know."

Solo looked injured and placed one hand on his chest to indicate _me_? "Sugarpie, I'm just the size I was when you met me!"

"Stop calling me those idiotic names! And you better take another look yourself -- butter buns!"

With great dignity, Han rose from the bed, still clad only in his undershorts, as he usually slept. He struck several poses, showing off his magnificent physique, flexing muscles like a body builder. Leia pursed her mouth, skeptical.

"Put on your pants," she said.

Again moving with deliberation, he picked them up from where they lay over a chair and slipped them on, sealing the fly closure with ease. With aplomb, he demonstrated that there was a bit of room between the pants top and his flesh.

"Okay," Leia replied. "Now breathe." Han had been getting a little red in the face from holding his gut in so long, and he let it out with a gasp. Immediately, his magnificent physique sagged and a roll of flab settled over the waistline of his pants.

Leia strolled over and poked it with her finger. "Hmmm, I don't remember this being here when we met. Could it be that your desk job is getting to you, too?"

"Okay, okay, I surrender. What do you suggest?"

"There's only one option. We're both going on diets right away!"

* * *

"What's this?" General Solo demanded as C-3PO set a plate before him that evening. It contained what appeared to be several twigs and a clump of leaves. He picked up one leaf and held it delicately between thumb and forefinger. "Did the gardener weed the lawn today?"

"Why, it's -- it's--" spluttered the surprised droid.

"It's dinner," Leia replied as an identical plate was placed before her. ''Nutritiously balanced and low in calories." She picked up a twig -- actually a pared down root vegetable -- and munched on it in apparent delight. "It's quite good."

Han shoved the plate away in disgust and turned on the droid. "Threepio, bring me a steak -- medium rare -- with a side order of fried tatins, toasted breadroot with butter, cuzeen on the cob -- also with butter -- and a slab of that deedee-fruit pie with frozen cream on top. And be quick about it!"

"Han!" Leia was aghast. "Threepio, cancel that order! Han, this is a perfectly delicious meal and I insist that you eat it."

In answer, he picked up the plate and held it out to her in invitation. "Thanks, but no thanks. I already grazed today. Here, you can have mine." When she just glared at him, he plunked the plate back on the table and swung back to C-3PO. "You heard my order, goldenrod. Hop to it!"

"Threepio!" Leia warned.

"Now!"

The hapless droid swung his receptors back and forth between his master and his mistress, unsure which to obey.

Han rose dangerously to his feet and leaned toward the mechanical. "Threepio, I would remind you that I have the ability to reduce you to your component parts and sell them piecemeal on a dozen different planets. I suggest that you get to work on that steak right away."

"Oh, my!" Threepio cried and spun toward the kitchen, shuffling as fast as he could.

"Han Solo--" the princess began in a tone of voice that promised several nights in the guest bedroom.

"Oh, all right. Threepio! Leave off the breadroot! Okay, satisfied?"

''No. If you're not going to take this diet seriously, why bother? I'll just call the tailor and have him alter all your clothes two sizes up."

"Leia, I'm not fat! I just haven't been getting much exercise lately. I'll go work out a couple of times if it'll make you happy."

"I think it'll take more than a couple of times. But that's a good idea. We'll both make it a point to leave our desks at 1700 each day and spend an hour in the gym." Leia sat back and smiled in satisfaction. "A good workout is just what we both need."

* * *

True to her word, Leia Organa-Solo was attired in exercise tights and already working up a sweat at 1720 the next evening, when her husband strolled into the base gym, wearing his regular clothes.

She stopped what she was doing and stared at him in disbelief. "Han, you're late and you haven't changed!"

"Oh, I know. Got tied up on some trade negotiation deal. But I'm really pooped and I think I'll skip it tonight."

"Skip it? You haven't even started it! Go get changed and do a mile on the treadtrack. "

"Run a mile on that thing? No way. Hey, Luke! C'mere!"

Luke Skywalker had been practicing Jedi exercises on the far side of the gym but stopped when he heard his brother-in-law's call. He joined them, wiping a thin sheen of sweat from his brow with a belt towel.

"Hi, Han. What's up?"

"Aw, Leia thinks I need a workout. Feel like a swim?"

Luke looked distinctly uncomfortable. "Uh, Han, I can't swim. I'm from Tatooine, remember?"

"Oh, yeah. Well, how about a game of spatball? I'll even give you two points."

"You won't need to -- and you're on."

"Okay, let's settle the arrangements while I change. You want the grav court or zero-G?" The two men walked away toward the locker room, discussing the game.

Smugly, Leia went back to her floor exercises.

* * *

Later, exhausted by her workout, she was on her way to the shower room when she ran into Han. He was now clad in shorts and a singlet, socks and cushion-soled shoes, but he was remarkably cool and dry for a man who'd just had a spatball game. She brushed sweat-drenched hair from her eyes and stared at him, still breathing hard from her exercises.

"Where's Luke?" she asked accusingly.

"Oh, he got an emergency call just before we started to play and had to leave. Then, I ran into my adjutant and we got to talking and, well, the time got away from me. I figured you'd be through by now and ready to go home to dinner."

Steam was practically rising in visible layers from the furious princess. Too angry to say anything coherent at the moment, she just said, "Oooooo!!" and stormed into the women's side of the shower room.

"What did I say?" Han called after her, genuinely puzzled. But she was gone. He shrugged philosophically and looked at the wall chrono, deciding he had time for a sauna. Coming to the gym had been a pretty good idea, after all, he mused as he wandered back toward the steam room.

* * *

Leia didn't kick Han out of their bedroom, but she refused to speak to him for three days and slept as far from him as was possible in the same bed. At mealtimes, she dutifully counted the nutritional and caloric values of the little food she allowed herself, while watching Han shovel in nearly his usual amount of sustenance. After work every night, she spent an hour working hard in the gym while Han -- if he showed up at all -- had a leisurely swim or shot some hoopball with his buddies or did a token jog on the treadtrack.

One night Leia awoke to find Han's side of the bed empty and, suspicious, she arose quietly and went downstairs to the kitchen. Sure enough, he was seated at the breakfast table devouring a huge sandwich.

"Han!" she snapped, exasperated with him. "How can you possibly eat that? You had twice as much supper as I did and I'm not hungry!"

He raised one eyebrow wickedly and waved the sandwich in her direction. "Are you sure you're not hungry? Not even a little bit? This roast is soooo good ... moist, tasty, just the right blend of spices..."

Before she could respond, her stomach growled in answer to the enticing aroma of the food.

Han laughed and pressed the attack. "And what about a slice of that fresh honey cake ... drizzled all over with darksauce and powdered with sugar ... washed down with a nice tall cold glass of milk..."

"Han, shut up!" she pleaded as her stomach knotted.

"Tatin chips and spice dip ... hot sausage rolls ... nice frosty fizzdrink ... frozen cream with sprinkles..."

"SHUT UP!" she cried and fled back up to their bedroom. This time, she did toss his pillow and a blanket out into the hallway and locked the door. Then, she crawled miserably into bed and curled up, trying to drive the dancing images of food from her head.

After a while, she heard the door rattle and Han's voice say, "Leia? What's going on? The door's locked!"

She refused to answer him and after a while, he gave up and went away.

* * *

He was gone when she arose the next morning and she felt a pang of remorse. She took a peek into the guest room but couldn't tell if the bed had been slept in. Sometimes the household droids were too efficient in their cleaning.

In resignation, she dressed and went to her office in the Republic Central Government building. Han didn't answer his com and, when she found reason to go by his office later in the day, it was empty. His secretary informed her that she hadn't seen the general all morning.

Worried now, Leia went back to her own desk and began making calls. No one had seen Solo since the day before. A call to the docking bays, though, revealed that the _Millennium Falcon_ was still in port, which relieved her somewhat. Wherever he was, Han was evidently still on the planet.

Leia trudged through the rest of her working day and, as 1700 finally approached, she resolutely closed things down and made her way to the gym in the basement of the government building.

She nearly dropped her gym bag upon entering, however, for the first thing she saw was Han Solo -- drenched with sweat and jogging determinedly on the treadtrack. She made a beeline in his direction and, upon spotting her path of travel, Han slowed and stopped, wiping his face with a belt towel.

"You had me worried to death!" Leia declared upon reaching her husband. "Where have you been?!"

"Right ... here," Solo replied, out of breath.

"All day?"

"Sure. Where'd you think?"

"Gods above, Han! Do you think you might have left word with me? Or was that too much trouble?"

"Calm down, Leia. People are looking."

"I don't care!"

"Okay, then, let 'em look. No skin off my nose." Han wiped sweat off that nose and draped the towel around his neck. "Anyway, I'm about done here. Wanna go get some dinner?"

"Dinner!"

"Yeah, the evening meal? Sustenance? Food?"

"Oh, shut up! You make me so mad!"

Solo chuckled indulgently and steered his wife toward the locker rooms. "Just let me take a quick shower."

Leia allowed herself to be guided by her infuriating husband. "Seriously, Han, I was really worried. Have you really been here all day?"

"Sure. I decided you were right. I do need to drop a few pounds, so I decided to just take today off and make it a workout day."

"Han, you can't possibly believe that exercising for one day is going to make up for all that junk food and deskwork you go through every day!"

"Why not?"

Leia growled in frustration and declared, "Okay, hotshot -- we'll find out! To the scales!"

He shrugged obligingly and they headed for the medical scales outside the doors to the locker rooms. Han stepped up first and smiled smugly as the readout flashed onto the display. Leia gaped. "You've lost eleven pounds! HOW?!"

"Clean living and cutting breadroot out of my diet a couple times a week," he answered. "Now you."

Sure she would be vindicated, Leia stepped onto the scales and gasped in horror. "Oh, Han – I've _gained_ two pounds! I don't believe it!"

She looked close to tears and her husband lovingly patted her bottom. "Never mind, Leia. I like you well-rounded. Now, let's go eat – OUCH!!"

THE END


End file.
